Terror Alert Level Upgrade

Security services (MI5) have today announced an immediate security upgrade in mainland UK effective as of 13.00 hours. The Labour Government have reacted to the security alert by raising their Public Security Level from "Scoundrels" to "You Dirty Rotters". Amidst a flurry of extremist activity it is expected that levels will be raised again to "Bloody Disgusting" or even "Absolutely Furious". (As a side note, Londoners have not been "Absolutely Furious" since the Blitz in 1940, when tea supplies almost ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Simply Not Cricket" to "Damned Unsporting". The last time an alert of this magnitude was issued was during the Norman invasion in 1066AD).

As a direct result of our own increased security level, the following countries have increased theirs accordingly:

The French Government has announced that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Run and Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate". The rise was initially precipitated by a recent terrorist attack that destroyed the French white flag factory, effectively paralysing the countries military capabilities.

Italy has increased its alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing". Two further levels remain to the Italian government. They are: Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides", a level which was last issued in World War Two.

Ireland initially raised its threat level to "Offer Them Refuelling Facilities for U-Boats" , a level withdrawn when a passing schoolboy pointed out that the terrorists did not have any yet. The level remains at "Have The Crack".

Germanys security level has increased from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Sing Marching Songs" with again a further two options of "Invade Your Neighbours" and "Lose".

The USA, not wanting to be sidelined, has gone from "Wait and See Whos Winning" to "What is Friendly Fire?"

Finally, all of Belguim has gone on holiday as the only threat they face is NATO pulling out of Brussels.